Cnstrn'd Writing

An ongoing list of things for which I am too old:

• New reading groups
• New subject matters
• Becoming friends with first years on purpose
• Camping out for tickets of any sort
• Going to basketball games
• Going to boring talks just for free food
• Volunteering for anything
• Taking classes
• Dating people in my department
• Social drinking on weekdays
• Trying to impress anyone

• Pillows
• Towels
• Balls
• Coat racks
• Pockets
• Fire extinguishers
• Pets
• Transportation
• Chimneys
• Urinals

Inspired by this, which is probably the funniest thing on the internet this week.

Sleep Walkers: A boy fears he is killing people in his sleep.
Big twist: He was only half asleep.

Time to Die: A boy is tormented by a time traveling adult who seems intent on setting up situations that will kill him.
Big twist: The time traveler is the boy from the future, who doesn’t understand causality or something.

Happy Endings: A boy is worried that he is trapped in a fairy tale because everything is too perfect.
Big twist: He was, but then he ruins it and everyone hates him for ever.

New town: Not everything is right in the new town. A boy suspects they are all extraterrestrial spies who want to enslave humanity. And he will find out the truth… By Any Means Necessary.
Big twist: It really was all in his imagination! Reading too many Goosebumps books made him paranoid and unable to cope in society. He lives in a group home now.

The Substitute: The substitute teacher is acting weird, but nobody suspects anything. So the boy must follow him home and spy on him every day to prove it.
Big twist: He is actually discovering his burgeoning sexuality and it is not what he would have expected.¹

1. He likes stalking. [↩]

• Change his oil/change a tire
• Please a woman
• Earn a living
• Fight for a cause
• Shop for himself
• Clothe and feed himself
• Teach a child how to ride a bike and how to play chess
• Take a vaccination
• Keep a secret
• Hold his alcohol
• Balance a checkbook
• Embroider a nice pattern onto socks

Independently originated, then influenced by this website and this other one:

1. Shotgun must be said audibly to all present or the person’s hand must be on the door handle
2. Window is a separate option that must also be called independently. All other rules for Window are the same as those for Shotgun.
3. The car must be visible, you must be outside or in the parking structure, and the ride must be imminent. Early calls are strictly prohibited. (Often this rule is split up into several other rules.)
4. Shotgun may not be called for anybody else.
5. Shotgun only applies among equals who are of more or less the same age, gender, and status. Also, the seat must be vacant when called. In cases where Shotgun is not available (for instance if the person with directions, an elder, or a disabled person needs the seat), anyone who called Shotgun automatically loses their bid.
6. In case of a tie, Rock, Paper, Scissors, or Mad Dash to the Car rules may be instituted in lieu of the driver’s tie-breaking decision. This is the driver’s choice and one must familiarize oneself with the local rules before playing Shotgun.
7. The order for automatic Shotgun is as follows: owner of the car, disabled person, elderly person, person who knows the directions, spouse/partner of the driver, all other claimants.

Shotgun is awarded to the quickest thinker for a reason: he must serve as navigator, radio controller, and cop watcher. Theoretically, being the first to call Shotgun better allows for this. Failure to abide by these rules or duties may result in the person with Shotgun being forced to ride Bitch.

Things for which ‘extra chunky’ is good:

• salsa
• peanut butter
• chocolate chip cookies
• scrabble words
• shark bait

Things for which ‘extra chunky’ is bad

• air
• milk
• blood
• sneezes
• Shadowrun characters

• Soda
• Beer
• Babies
• Obese people
• Self-confidence
• Layered drinks
• Weights
• A Bomb
• A carton of eggs
• Glassware
• Fish tanks

• Orange Juice, or any other juice from concentrate
• Hands
• Your booty
• Cocktails
• Bad memories
• Everything if you’re being treated for Parkingson’s
• Down a suspect
• Salt
• Your fist at a cloud
• Nozzle at the gas station
• Yourself at the urinal (Men only)

Past versions of myself have been much better than me at quite a number of things. Some of these I want to get back to, others I’m ambivalent about. Here’s a nice list:

• Having a sense of purpose – and the happiness that came from coming close to that.¹
• Being funny²
• The ladies³
• Sobriety⁴
• Sleep⁵
• Work ethic⁶
• Memory and Recall⁷
• Reading⁸
• Not hurting myself⁹

1. Before 2005 or 2006 [↩]
2. Most years except for 2006, 2007, and 2009 [↩]
3. Reference not found [↩]
4. Before grad school [↩]
5. Sporatically [↩]
6. At least from 1999-2004 [↩]
7. … I don’t remember when, actually. [↩]
8. Pre-grad school, at least [↩]
9. Pre-2010 [↩]

• Cujo
• The Shining
• Heck, all horror movies
• The Goonies
• Panic Room
• Pirates of the Caribbean
• The Labyrinth
• Lord of the Rings
• Home Alone
• Titanic