Cnstrn'd Writing

He’s the Least Interesting Man in the World

Pxl — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 21:13:37 +0000

He thinks ketchup is too spicy
The army is designing their next form of camouflage after him
He thinks the missionary position is scandalous
He is the character in the horror movie that dies off camera
His sexual interests and favorite ice cream flavor are both vanilla
His favorite shape is square
His favorite soup is broth
His favorite haircut is just a trim
He is accidentally locked in a store at least once a year
His career counselor advised him to turn to crime
Even Facebook forgets his birthday
His favorite TV show is white noise
His favorite card game is 52-card pickup
He cruises in his Volvo with his windows down and NPR turned up
Hipsters want to ironically be him

He is the least interesting man in the world.

My Graduate School Murtaugh List (circa 2011)

Pxl — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 03:12:46 +0000

An ongoing list of things for which I am too old:

New reading groups
New subject matters
Becoming friends with first years on purpose
Camping out for tickets of any sort
Going to basketball games
Going to boring talks just for free food
Volunteering for anything
Taking classes
Dating people in my department
Social drinking on weekdays
Trying to impress anyone

Things that should not be decorative

Pxl — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 23:47:21 +0000

Pillows
Towels
Balls
Coat racks
Pockets
Fire extinguishers
Pets
Transportation
Chimneys
Urinals

Goosebumps book ideas

Pxl — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 05:22:45 +0000

Inspired by this, which is probably the funniest thing on the internet this week.

Sleep Walkers: A boy fears he is killing people in his sleep.
Big twist: He was only half asleep.

Time to Die: A boy is tormented by a time traveling adult who seems intent on setting up situations that will kill him.
Big twist: The time traveler is the boy from the future, who doesn’t understand causality or something.

Happy Endings: A boy is worried that he is trapped in a fairy tale because everything is too perfect.
Big twist: He was, but then he ruins it and everyone hates him for ever.

New town: Not everything is right in the new town. A boy suspects they are all extraterrestrial spies who want to enslave humanity. And he will find out the truth… By Any Means Necessary.
Big twist: It really was all in his imagination! Reading too many Goosebumps books made him paranoid and unable to cope in society. He lives in a group home now.

The Substitute: The substitute teacher is acting weird, but nobody suspects anything. So the boy must follow him home and spy on him every day to prove it.
Big twist: He is actually discovering his burgeoning sexuality and it is not what he would have expected.¹

He likes stalking.

A Man should be able to…

Pxl — Mon, 23 May 2011 06:24:12 +0000

Change his oil/change a tire
Please a woman
Earn a living
Fight for a cause
Shop for himself
Clothe and feed himself
Teach a child how to ride a bike and how to play chess
Take a vaccination
Keep a secret
Hold his alcohol
Balance a checkbook
Embroider a nice pattern onto socks

Rules for Shotgun

Pxl — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 16:33:28 +0000

Independently originated, then influenced by this website and this other one:

Shotgun must be said audibly to all present or the person’s hand must be on the door handle
Window is a separate option that must also be called independently. All other rules for Window are the same as those for Shotgun.
The car must be visible, you must be outside or in the parking structure, and the ride must be imminent. Early calls are strictly prohibited. (Often this rule is split up into several other rules.)
Shotgun may not be called for anybody else.
Shotgun only applies among equals who are of more or less the same age, gender, and status. Also, the seat must be vacant when called. In cases where Shotgun is not available (for instance if the person with directions, an elder, or a disabled person needs the seat), anyone who called Shotgun automatically loses their bid.
In case of a tie, Rock, Paper, Scissors, or Mad Dash to the Car rules may be instituted in lieu of the driver’s tie-breaking decision. This is the driver’s choice and one must familiarize oneself with the local rules before playing Shotgun.
The order for automatic Shotgun is as follows: owner of the car, disabled person, elderly person, person who knows the directions, spouse/partner of the driver, all other claimants.

Shotgun is awarded to the quickest thinker for a reason: he must serve as navigator, radio controller, and cop watcher. Theoretically, being the first to call Shotgun better allows for this. Failure to abide by these rules or duties may result in the person with Shotgun being forced to ride Bitch.

Extra Chunky

Pxl — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 05:15:31 +0000

Things for which ‘extra chunky’ is good:

salsa
peanut butter
chocolate chip cookies
scrabble words
shark bait

Things for which ‘extra chunky’ is bad

air
milk
blood
sneezes
Shadowrun characters

Things you don’t Shake

Pxl — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 22:15:21 +0000

Soda
Beer
Babies
Obese people
Self-confidence
Layered drinks
Weights
A Bomb
A carton of eggs
Glassware
Fish tanks

Things you Shake

Pxl — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 22:10:33 +0000

Orange Juice, or any other juice from concentrate
Hands
Your booty
Cocktails
Bad memories
Everything if you’re being treated for Parkingson’s
Down a suspect
Salt
Your fist at a cloud
Nozzle at the gas station
Yourself at the urinal (Men only)

Things Past Pxl was better at

Pxl — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 00:35:39 +0000

Past versions of myself have been much better than me at quite a number of things. Some of these I want to get back to, others I’m ambivalent about. Here’s a nice list:

Having a sense of purpose – and the happiness that came from coming close to that.¹
Being funny²
The ladies³
Sobriety⁴
Sleep⁵
Work ethic⁶
Memory and Recall⁷
Reading⁸
Not hurting myself⁹

Before 2005 or 2006
Most years except for 2006, 2007, and 2009
Reference not found
Before grad school
Sporatically
At least from 1999-2004
… I don’t remember when, actually.
Pre-grad school, at least
Pre-2010