Listicles Archive

Top 10 Amendments

Posted 7 March, 2017 By Pxl
  1. First1
    Lots of stuff going on here. Speech, press, protest, petition, religion? Awesome. Leave some for the other amendments!
  2. Thirteenth2
    Oh man, solving the Original Sin of the Republic? This is the *baptism* of amendments. Good job, Lincoln!
  3. Nineteeth3
    Seriously? It took 130 years to give half the country the right to vote? We decided it was more important to ban alcohol than to allow women’s suffrage? Good God.
  4. Tenth4
    Gotta love proscriptive goverment.
  5. Fifth5
    You can’t get in trouble for not revealing why you should be in trouble.
  6. Fourth6
    Up next in Don’t Get Got: don’t get caught.
  7. Eighth7
    You don’t care that it’s this high until you do.
  8. Fourteenth8
    Okay, so we thought this was obvious in I-XIII, but apparently you have to specify it… Same goes for the 15th Amendment: let the dudes vote! I am ashamed of America… But, well, all right, then. Fine.
  9. Twenty-Fifth9
    It’s helpful to know how far we have to go to get to good governance.
  10. Second10
    Gotta have a National Guard, right? What? You think it’s a personal liberty?
    … well, okay.
  1. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. []
  2. SECTION 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.
    SECTION 2. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation. []
  3. The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.
    Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation. []
  4. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people. []
  5. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation. []
  6. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. []
  7. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. []
  8. SECTION. 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
    SECTION. 2. Representatives shall be apportioned among the several States according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each State, excluding Indians not taxed. But when the right to vote at any election for the choice of electors for President and Vice President of the United States, Representatives in Congress, the Executive and Judicial officers of a State, or the members of the Legislature thereof, is denied to any of the male inhabitants of such State, being twenty-one years of age, and citizens of the United States, or in any way abridged, except for participation in rebellion,
    or other crime, the basis of representation therein shall be reduced in the proportion which the number of such male citizens shall bear to the whole number of male citizens twentyone years of age in such State.
    SECTION. 3. No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member
    of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability.
    SECTION. 4. The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned. But neither the United States nor any State shall assume or pay any debt or obligation incurred in aid of insurrection or rebellion against the United States, or any claim for the loss or emancipation of any slave; but all such debts, obligations and claims shall be held illegal and void.
    SECTION. 5. The Congress shall have power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article. []
  9. SECTION. 1. In case of the removal of the President from office or of his death or resignation, the Vice President shall become President.
    SECTION. 2. Whenever there is a vacancy in the office of the
    Vice President, the President shall nominate a Vice President who shall take office upon confirmation by a majority vote of both Houses of Congress.
    SECTION. 3. Whenever the President transmits to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives has written declaration that he is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, and until he transmits to them a written declaration to the contrary, such powers and duties shall be discharged by the Vice President as Acting President.
    SECTION. 4. Whenever the Vice President and a majority of either the principal officers of the executive departments or of such other body as Congress may by law provide, transmit to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the
    House of Representatives their written declaration that the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, the Vice President shall immediately assume the powers and duties of the office as Acting President. Thereafter, when the President transmits to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives has written declaration that no inability exists, he shall resume the powers and duties of his office unless the Vice President and a majority of either the principal officers of the executive department or of such other body as Congress may by law provide, transmit within four days to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives their written declaration that the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office. Thereupon Congress shall decide the issue, assembling within fortyeight
    hours for that purpose if not in session. If the Congress, within twenty-one days after receipt of the latter written declaration, or, if Congress is not in session, within twenty-one days after Congress is required to assemble, determines by twothirds vote of both Houses that the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, the Vice President shall continue to discharge the same as Acting President; otherwise, the President shall resume the powers and duties of his office. []
  10. A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. []

Scarves
Pajamas
Evening showers
Boots
Winter tires
Wind chill
The weather as a conversation topic
Seasonal SADness
Salt
Slush
Wintry mix
Despair

Things Ruined Forever by Hitler

Posted 6 August, 2015 By Pxl
  • The Hitler Mustache
  • The Hitler Fanny Pack
  • Goose Stepping
  • The initials S.S.
  • Vegetarianism
  • That salute (makes hailing cabs more difficult… unless you want a particular kind of cabbie, I suppose)
  • The name Adolf
  • The names Bdolf to Zdolf
  • The Swastika
  • Loving Dogs
  • The writings of Nietzsche
  • Comparing people to Genghis Khan in Internet debates
  • Bunkers
  • Gas Chambers (only Solid and Liquid Chambers are now acceptable)

Given the recent popularity of listicles (which we were into before they were cool), instead of just making unordered lists, we’re going to start numbering items on our lists. Obviously, this is a ploy. Equally obviously, it affects none of the content. Read on!

  1. You will never lose a game of see-saw again.
  2. Deadly poisons are slightly less effective. 1
  3. A significant amount of your body is now non-vital, making you virtually bulletproof.2
  4. People are less likely to borrow your clothes.
  5. Increased resistance to the cold.
  6. Unable to be drafted (and possibly die) for your country.
  7. If you are ever offered your weight in gold in exchange for hunting a mythological beast, you’ve got it made!
  1. Possibly so is alcohol, crucial nutrients, and all consumption in general. []
  2. Note, medical science demonstrably shows this statement is false. But medical science has a well-known anti-morbid obesity agenda. []

Things Other People Know Better Than You

Posted 30 June, 2014 By Pxl

No matter how old you get, you will never know some things about yourself better than a stranger. For example:

  • The sound of your voice
  • Your gait
  • How you look from behind
  • How funny/original you really are
  • What you wrote in their yearbook
  • What other people think/say about you
  • Whether you are loved.

How to ruin a sure thing

Posted 23 May, 2014 By Pxl

I haven’t been on a date with a new person in a few years, but I started this draft in 2012 and I’m pretty sure I still know how to finish it.

  • Can we wrap this up soon? My mom wants me home by eight.
  • Do you mind if my ex-wife comes to dinner with us? She wants to approve everyone I date.
  • Sorry I keep going to the restroom, I have explosive diarrhea… it’s chronic.
  • I like to go to parks and watch children playing. They’re so excited that it’s relaxing to me. I really find them relaxing and exotic.
  • I only date chicks that do anal.
  • Yes, we’ll have the merlot… wait, do you put out on the first date? No, I didn’t think so. No, we’ll just have water then.
  • I made the reservations in your name because I didn’t want them to spit in our food after the scene I made here last time.
  • Wow, I must really like you: my HerpeAIDS is flaring up more than usual.
  • I’m not unemployed because I’m an ex-con, I’m unemployed because I don’t mind being on welfare.
  • So… how do you feel about polygamy?
  • You wanna go out again? This is really going to make my wife jealous.
  • You know, vertical stripes would make you look less fat.
  • Do you mind if we go back to your place? I owe my dealer a lot of money.
  • He thinks ketchup is too spicy
  • The army is designing their next form of camouflage after him
  • He thinks the missionary position is scandalous
  • He is the character in the horror movie that dies off camera
  • His sexual interests and favorite ice cream flavor are both vanilla
  • His favorite shape is square
  • His favorite soup is broth
  • His favorite haircut is just a trim
  • He is accidentally locked in a store at least once a year
  • His career counselor advised him to turn to crime
  • Even Facebook forgets his birthday
  • His favorite TV show is white noise
  • His favorite card game is 52-card pickup
  • He cruises in his Volvo with his windows down and NPR turned up
  • Hipsters want to ironically be him

He is the least interesting man in the world.

My Graduate School Murtaugh List (circa 2011)

Posted 16 October, 2011 By Pxl

An ongoing list of things for which I am too old:

  • New reading groups
  • New subject matters
  • Becoming friends with first years on purpose
  • Camping out for tickets of any sort
  • Going to basketball games
  • Going to boring talks just for free food
  • Volunteering for anything
  • Taking classes
  • Dating people in my department
  • Social drinking on weekdays
  • Trying to impress anyone

Things that should not be decorative

Posted 18 June, 2011 By Pxl
  • Pillows
  • Towels
  • Balls
  • Coat racks
  • Pockets
  • Fire extinguishers
  • Pets
  • Transportation
  • Chimneys
  • Urinals

A Man should be able to…

Posted 23 May, 2011 By Pxl
  • Change his oil/change a tire
  • Please a woman
  • Earn a living
  • Fight for a cause
  • Shop for himself
  • Clothe and feed himself
  • Teach a child how to ride a bike and how to play chess
  • Take a vaccination
  • Keep a secret
  • Hold his alcohol
  • Balance a checkbook
  • Embroider a nice pattern onto socks