The weather as a conversation topic
- The Hitler Mustache
- The Hitler Fanny Pack
- Goose Stepping
- The initials S.S.
- That salute (makes hailing cabs more difficult… unless you want a particular kind of cabbie, I suppose)
- The name Adolf
- The names Bdolf to Zdolf
- The Swastika
- Loving Dogs
- The writings of Nietzsche
- Comparing people to Genghis Khan in Internet debates
- Gas Chambers (only Solid and Liquid Chambers are now acceptable)
Given the recent popularity of listicles (which we were into before they were cool), instead of just making unordered lists, we’re going to start numbering items on our lists. Obviously, this is a ploy. Equally obviously, it affects none of the content. Read on!
- You will never lose a game of see-saw again.
- Deadly poisons are slightly less effective. 1
- A significant amount of your body is now non-vital, making you virtually bulletproof.2
- People are less likely to borrow your clothes.
- Increased resistance to the cold.
- Unable to be drafted (and possibly die) for your country.
- If you are ever offered your weight in gold in exchange for hunting a mythological beast, you’ve got it made!
No matter how old you get, you will never know some things about yourself better than a stranger. For example:
- The sound of your voice
- Your gait
- How you look from behind
- How funny/original you really are
- What you wrote in their yearbook
- What other people think/say about you
- Whether you are loved.
For when the hard-won, self-made first colonists learned a second-wave was coming, they were ecstatic.
Each recalled the first generation had been chosen by a grueling, multiple round series of personality, aptitude, and physical tests.
A dozen generations since had built a meritocratic society on that theme.
Renaul, the new president ordered a welcome monolith built to commemorate the momentous occasion and the workers diligently complied.
Next year, the ship was expected to arrive.
Elan, the communications officer worked into the night and it occurred to her to look through the message again.
When she ran a decryption software and found the message had neatly spelled an acrostic: “EARTH DOOMED, FEAR NEW SHIP.”
I’ve recently discovered #vss, #ohj, and #gr8ff. Having had a nanofiction Twitter account (puntitled) for a few years, it’s good to finally find a group of people who enjoy what I do. Expect more updates both here and there from now on.
p.s. This is still technically a group blog– contact me if you want to join.
I haven’t been on a date with a new person in a few years, but I started this draft in 2012 and I’m pretty sure I still know how to finish it.
- Can we wrap this up soon? My mom wants me home by eight.
- Do you mind if my ex-wife comes to dinner with us? She wants to approve everyone I date.
- Sorry I keep going to the restroom, I have explosive diarrhea… it’s chronic.
- I like to go to parks and watch children playing. They’re so excited that it’s relaxing to me. I really find them relaxing and exotic.
- I only date chicks that do anal.
- Yes, we’ll have the merlot… wait, do you put out on the first date? No, I didn’t think so. No, we’ll just have water then.
- I made the reservations in your name because I didn’t want them to spit in our food after the scene I made here last time.
- Wow, I must really like you: my HerpeAIDS is flaring up more than usual.
- I’m not unemployed because I’m an ex-con, I’m unemployed because I don’t mind being on welfare.
- So… how do you feel about polygamy?
- You wanna go out again? This is really going to make my wife jealous.
- You know, vertical stripes would make you look less fat.
- Do you mind if we go back to your place? I owe my dealer a lot of money.
- He thinks ketchup is too spicy
- The army is designing their next form of camouflage after him
- He thinks the missionary position is scandalous
- He is the character in the horror movie that dies off camera
- His sexual interests and favorite ice cream flavor are both vanilla
- His favorite shape is square
- His favorite soup is broth
- His favorite haircut is just a trim
- He is accidentally locked in a store at least once a year
- His career counselor advised him to turn to crime
- Even Facebook forgets his birthday
- His favorite TV show is white noise
- His favorite card game is 52-card pickup
- He cruises in his Volvo with his windows down and NPR turned up
- Hipsters want to ironically be him
He is the least interesting man in the world.
An ongoing list of things for which I am too old:
- New reading groups
- New subject matters
- Becoming friends with first years on purpose
- Camping out for tickets of any sort
- Going to basketball games
- Going to boring talks just for free food
- Volunteering for anything
- Taking classes
- Dating people in my department
- Social drinking on weekdays
- Trying to impress anyone